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I want to raise the topic of PTSD and suicide ideation in autistics as I recently had an autistic burnout and really suffered. I was fighting intense suicidal thoughts daily for a couple of weeks, something that has been a pattern since I was a boy but has gradually gotten more extreme as I have aged.
Since having my late autistic diagnosis it has been truly life-changing! I have now started to understand more about being neurodivergent, (something I had never heard of before my diagnosis) all about my condition, accepting it, and how it has and does impact all aspects of my life. It has been a lot to process and I am still learning all the time. At the age of 44 and only being diagnosed for a couple of years, I accept it won’t be an overnight process – sometimes to my frustration!
My research and speaking with other neurodivergents or carers (mainly online – a big thank you to them) has helped me become more aware of my own symptoms, especially masking.
I have always fixated on death and suicide for as far back as I can remember and I have spoken about it at length in my therapy sessions over the years. I have slit my wrist before resulting in 7 hours of emergency hospital surgery and taken many overdoses resulting in ambulance blue lights. These have not been in states of depression but the opposite, in states of sensory overload during autistic burnout – although I didn’t understand this terminology until I had my autism diagnosis.
During these burnout periods, the smallest thing, which I usually mask can trigger these thoughts. Something out of place or out of pattern can create a downward slide into that dark place and speaking to someone at that time only adds to the sensory overload making it worse (especially if they don’t understand my condition).
Through analysing my life and understanding certain areas more, whilst trying to un-mask, I have started to talk about more things from my past, and behaviours I thought were ‘normal’, which I now know wasn’t! I then started to realise that I showed strong signs of PTSD. Although there isn’t much research on this, some studies have suggested that people with autism may be at a far greater risk of developing PTSD compared to the general population.
Here are some factors:
- Past experiences of misunderstanding or misdiagnosis: Adults who have had a late autism diagnosis may have experienced years of misunderstanding, misdiagnosis, or being told that their struggles were due to other factors. This can lead to feelings of frustration, confusion, and a sense of not being heard or understood.
- Social challenges and isolation: Adults with late-diagnosed autism may have spent a lot of their lives feeling socially isolated or struggling to fit in. This can lead to feelings of loneliness, rejection, and a sense of not belonging.
- Masking/Mimicking: Many adults with late-diagnosed autism have developed coping mechanisms to mask or camouflage their autistic traits to fit into social situations. This constant effort to hide or suppress their true selves can be emotionally exhausting.
- Identity Crisis: A late autism diagnosis can make you question your identity and reevaluate past experiences. This process can be challenging and may lead to feelings of confusion and self-doubt.
- Comorbidity – more than one condition: Adults with late-diagnosed autism may also experience multiple mental health conditions, such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, and ADHD. These conditions can further contribute to the development of PTSD symptoms.
After researching this and then requesting my doctor to refer me to PTSD therapy, I had an initial assessment, and I am now on the waiting list!
Whilst looking into all this I came across the term Suicidal Ideation:
‘Suicidal ideation refers to having continuous thoughts or ideas about ending your own life. It is a serious mental health concern and should be taken seriously. People experiencing suicidal ideation can feel overwhelmed with emotional pain, hopelessness, or a sense of being trapped. They may believe that ending their life is the only way to escape their suffering.’
‘Suicidal ideation can occur in various degrees, ranging from fleeting thoughts to more detailed plans. It can be associated with mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, bipolar or PTSD’
Finding this out was like a light bulb had been turned on for me. This is what I’ve been screaming out to the psychiatrists and doctors for around 2 decades of treatment and yet I was never put forward for PTSD therapy? If I’d known of or understood the term earlier I could have requested therapy myself – but isn’t that their job as doctors and specialists?
I wanted to understand if there was a relationship between suicidal Ideation and Autism.
‘Suicidal ideation can be affected by having an autistic condition. Autistic individuals may face unique challenges and experiences that can contribute to feelings of distress and hopelessness.’
Some factors that influence the relationship between autism and suicidal ideation include:
- Social difficulties: Autistic individuals often struggle with social interactions and may feel isolated or misunderstood. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and a sense of not belonging, which can contribute to suicidal ideation.
- Sensory overload: Many autistic individuals are hypersensitive to sensory stimuli, such as loud noises, bright lights, or crowded spaces. Constant exposure to overwhelming sensory experiences can be emotionally draining and increase the risk of suicidal thoughts.
- Communication difficulties: Difficulties in expressing emotions/feelings or understanding others can make it challenging for autistic individuals to seek help or communicate their distress. This can lead to feelings of frustration and hopelessness, triggering a greater risk of suicide.
- Comorbidity: Autistic individuals may also have other mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, or bipolar. The combination of these conditions can further contribute to suicidal ideation.
Again, reading the above, I have to manage almost all of these factors daily – depending on routines or social interactions, etc!
These are the reasons why it can be very scary when I am put into these dangerous states after being triggered which I try to prevent, through routines, patterns, and clear communication. It can be very demeaning when people say that ‘you cope very well’ or that ‘your autism isn’t serious’ which shows people don’t understand, which only adds to the feeling of isolation. To be hyper-focused where suicide and death are the objective is very scary especially when you can be impulsive – it literally is life threatening.
I am hoping that PTSD therapy will be able to help and the therapist will have a knowledge of neurodivergent conditions as I feel it plays a huge factor in how it should be approached.
I have never personally come across anybody speaking about Suicide Ideation and I feel the research into this will be very limited. I hope by speaking about my personal experience, I can raise awareness, that more resources are put into place to help people recognise and understand symptoms earlier in life, and that there is some sort of support.
I wrote this so that people may have a better insight into understanding some of the many issues that autistic adults with a late diagnosis like myself may be dealing with. I am not a medical professional and I am just speaking about my personal experiences.
If you have found this blog interesting please comment below or drop me a message.
This is such a sensitive very complex subject and I feel you have approached it from an equally mindful way using your lived experience , the world is definitely a much better place with you in it .
Thankyou for everything you are doing helping so many
Very insightful and heartfelt. Keep trying to help raise awareness as you are.
It must be so frustrating having to fight for your right to be heard and given the right diagnosis and treatment. I think this is a really brave and honest insight into just a small part of what you have to manage on a daily basis. To then share it in the hope it helps someone else is amazing.
Again a taboo topic which has been so well written. I can relate heavily to the subject of the post unfortunately and I’m sure others will too.
Writing your experiences down and sharing it with the world is such a brave and selfless thing to do.
I really feel the accuracy of this, as an adult you reflect on a lifetime of being the one that doesn’t quite fit in, the odd one etc I’m full of conflict, I loud noises ,love loud music, hate crowds but need the chaos sometimes, the list goes on.. I’ve never been suicidal but often have the thought how peaceful it would be, which I suppose is still a thought! A well written piece.
Well written. Everything you talk about is not only not understood by many but is as some people have stated a taboo subject. I’m glad you are shedding light on these issues.
Hopefully it can help not only the neurodivergent, but anyone who is masking any kind of depression.
A searingly insightful and enlightening piece of writing . Your honesty and bravery is giving hope to many and opening the minds of many more.
Big love and respect x
Wow….. as much as this goes deep into a lot of your personal trauma I can’t help but love this piece at the same time. This is due to your own deep routed struggles you share but the insightfulness people will never actually get without reading from someone’s personal honesty like this. This is teaching and fantastic learning piece for those who, not purposely but become ignorant r to these things due to a lack of understanding.
I already do but for someone who
Wouldn’t even know you, how can they not fall in love with everything in this!!
This should be pushed on the direction of someone else one may know potentially going through something similar in their own way because this may open doors for others who are struggling!!
Great write up and honesty all round! It’s amazing what you’re doing!!
Nuff love,
Scott!!!!!
Thank you so much for sharing so vulnerable and giving a voice and a name to things that people have been going through in silence (just like you did) for so long. Wishing you many blessings on your journey and grateful that you have taken the stance to be a beacon of hope to others brother.
Very well explained just how traumatising it is and the catastrophic effects an autistic burnout. Sensory overload, Absolutely heartbreaking and so well written.
It certainly does make things far far worse when left misunderstood adding to the trauma. So important that you explained that and everything such as masking. PTSD and the illnesses that can coincide.
Thank
You for being so honest and absolutely on point. As a personal friend breaks my heart to hear the effects even tho I of course know my self on some level if that makes sense. Such an amazing article such an amazing person…
I have always had suicidal thoughts, even when not I’m not in a state of burnout or depression, and I thought everyone had these!
When I first talked about it people overreacted and so I shut it off and didn’t tell people for fear of them sectioning me, when I know the difference between thoughts and ideation, but the risk-averse police/NHS don’t know that. And talking to people when I am in the ideation state, just overwhelms even more, like you said!
Thank you for sharing, it’s nice to know others have the same thoughts/struggles. I am also awaiting PTSD therapy.
wow very hard hitting great write up brother
A very honest and insightful piece.
I hear your frustrations, and now hope the PTSD therapy allows you to find the answers you need and address your past.
Your work helps so many and inspires even those that you don’t know.
I for one are so thankful you are here with us.
Keep speaking out, and educating us all.
Proud to know you 💕
So very resonant here; I’ve experienced Suicidal Ideations on and off since before it was a “Known by the general public” term! I too spent years and years explaining to psychiatrists, psychologists and so on what was going on in my mind; I was not given anything truly useful!! Even whilst in a psychiatric ward (for a failed attempt to self end aged 18!) I recall making at least one more attempt! (Oh, it’s “just” a Cry for help) Well possibly it may have been; what help was offered? Little to none tbh. Oh yeah, I must be fair and accurate about this: I was offered Melleril on demand!!! (A major tranquiliser which has now, thankfully largely been consigned to the dustbin of psychiatric medicines which are rarely thought to be appropriate for modern usage!!!). Nevertheless it wasn’t until, by fluke a doctor asked me if I’d ever been tested for Autism, and if not, would I like to be that the lightbulb moment happened for me. Currently on waiting list for ADHD assessment also!
Thank you for bringing this topic to the surface for discussion. I hear others words within yours from stories shared. It is my dream and my passion to change the world so the PTSD doesn’t happen and people don’t have to experience what you have. Thank again for your truth.
First, I’m so sorry to hear about what you have had to go through. Hope you can get the therapy you are looking for.
Second, great post on a very important subject.
Des this is brilliant! So open and honest, as always. This must have been a difficult one for you to write. Well done. I can relate massively to this through myself and my son. Seeing my son struggle with certain things. Needing things to be a certain way. Emotional dis-regulation. Not liking his things to be moved etc. frequent change in obsessions with hobbies or interests. I had him tested for adhd privately because there is a 2 year waiting list on the nhs! But the system is so broken. They need to see it in two settings despite me scoring him highly and him scoring himself highly. They didn’t see it in school. Which I understand is common especially with ADD. Without the hyperactive aspect. He did show traits of autism. But she doesn’t diagnose autism. Now due to low attendance because of school anxiety and him not wanting to go in. We have a social worker involved. I’ve been pulled apart for having him tested privately and accused of fabricating illness. So now he has no chance of getting the help he might need as I daren’t take him anywhere near a medical professional now. It’s wrong. So wrong. Keep fighting Des and we all have to stick together. 🧡