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This question has been on my mind ever since I was told that I mask my autistic traits in a way that is seen typical for women. Masking is a big part of my life, something that i endure daily. This leads me to wonder: Do autistic women really mask more than men, or is this idea based by how society views men and their emotions?
One of the reasons I question this, is the outdated pressure on men to “man up.” Society often tells men to hide their feelings, which can have serious consequences. In the UK, around 75% of all suicides cases are men. This statistic is concerning for neurodivergent individuals as research shows that a huge number of suicides involve neurodivergent men. This suggests that many men suffer in silence without seeking help.
High-functioning autistic males often face a unique set of challenges. Many might not even realise they are autistic due to a lack of understanding about autism itself. The stereotypes surrounding autism – like the idea that all autistic people are non-verbal or have severe communication difficulties – can make it difficult for high-functioning men to recognise their own traits. They might struggle with social interactions, sensory issues, or intense interests, but because they can hold down jobs or engage in social situations, they may not see these behaviours as signs of autism. This can lead to a sense of isolation, as they may feel different from their friends or family but be not understand why.
Coming forward to question experiences with autism can be very daunting for men in a superficial society. There’s usually a sense of fear, judgement or a sense of shame associated with admitting they feel out of place or struggle with social situations. The societal expectation for men to be strong and self-reliant discourages them from seeking help or exploring the possibility that they might be autistic. I feel that the stigma is added when discussions around autism emphasise that women mask their traits more effectively than men. If the narrative suggests that women are the ones who mask at a higher level, men may feel even less inclined to speak up. They might wonder if their experiences are valid or if they are just overreacting. This can create a negative cycle where men feel pressured to conform to traditional masculine norms, leading them to internalise their struggles rather than seek support – something that is already an issue. I believe this must massively affect the outcome of the understanding that women mask higher than men!
From my own experience, when I talk openly about my autism, I often face ignorance or dismissive attitudes – more-so from men! There have been many times when I wished I hadn’t shared my story. One of the main reasons I decided to fight openly about my neurotype was by default. Years earlier I had slit my wrist in a sensory overload (and trauma related) period and the backlash from friends and family at the time was far from supportive. The mask I had built up for years and hid behind was no longer bullet proof. After that, things really changed for me.
If I hadn’t gone through that experience I might still be hiding my true self today – or worse, I could have succeeded in my attempt to end my life. If I would have succeeded then I would have never have got my autism diagnosis and it would have gone down as just mental health illness related death! This raises the questions: How many people have succeeded in taking their lives and never got the right diagnosis or treatment? How many people have slipped through the cracks of the mental health system? How many people have taken their lives without ever knowing they are neurodivergent?
It’s often said that women mask their autistic traits more effectively, but is that really true? Many men may feel pressured to adhere to traditional masculine norms, which can keep them from sharing their struggles. This raises further questions: Are men masking just as much, but in different ways? What happens when they do?
The conversation around masking is still growing and I believe, still in its infancy. Many autistic individuals, regardless of gender, might not even realise they are masking their traits, or they may struggle to describe their experiences as was the case for me till the age of 41. The lack of clear evidence about men’s experiences can complicate our understanding of how masking works for everyone.
Do societal views on autism play a part in this? If people know less about high functioning autism in men, how can we really understand it fully? Are there cultural factors that influence how men and women express their struggles with autism? I know that being mixed race in a predominantly white area had its impact on me as racism plays a big part of my trauma.
Whilst we compare how autistic women and men mask their behaviours, the reality is, it’s much more complicated. The stigma surrounding male vulnerability and societal expectations can make it hard to see the bigger picture.
Far more research needs to go into this! Whatever the findings, no matter the gender, people need to feel safe and supported when discussing their experiences with autism. If the narrative continues to suggest that women mask more than men, it could add to the stigma surrounding male emotional expression, making it even harder for men to come forward. We need to keep talking about this and increasing awareness so we can bridge the gap between understanding and acceptance for everyone on the autism spectrum.
Only by creating an inclusive society can we start to break down the barriers that stop men from talking about their experiences with autism. It’s paramount to challenge the idea that acknowledging vulnerability or seeking help is a sign of weakness. We need to promote the fact it takes a massive amount of strength to confront one’s struggles and to share them with others to show how positive it is.
Increasing awareness about the diverse traits of autism in men is vital. Many high-functioning autistic men may exhibit traits that society does not readily associate with autism, such as being articulate, capable of maintaining relationships, or excelling in their careers. This can lead to a misunderstanding of their emotional and psychological needs. If we only highlight the experiences of those who visibly struggle, we risk marginalising an entire group of individuals who may be quietly suffering.
The toxic masculine culture can also add to these complications. This culture often emphasises self-reliance and discourages emotional expression, especially regarding perceived weaknesses or vulnerabilities. Men who do step forward to share their experiences of being autistic may face ridicule or disbelief, making the idea of coming out as autistic even scarier. This can lead to a dangerous cycle where men feel increasingly isolated and scared to ask for support. For my own personal story I get challenged all the time, which is very alarming and triggering considering the people questioning me (usually men) don’t have any real knowledge on the topic.
Statistics reveal that a significant percentage of autistic individuals experience co-occurring mental health conditions. Research shows around 70% of autistic individuals have at least one additional mental health diagnosis, such as anxiety or depression. For high-functioning autistic men, the pressure to conform to societal norms while struggling with these additional challenges can be overwhelming. It’s important that we acknowledge and address these overlapping issues rather than challenge one gender’s experiences against the other.
It all boils down to understanding the realities of autism and knowing its impact and showing the different ways it can present. This includes promoting understanding of how autistic masking can manifest in different ways for different individuals. Encouraging conversations that normalise the acknowledgment of struggles (regardless of gender) can empower men to share their experiences without the fear of encountering stigma.
The research and discussion around whether autistic women mask more than men is important, but it should not overshadow the challenges faced by high-functioning autistic men – something rarely mentioned. We need to make sure that all voices are heard in the conversation about autism, allowing for a greater understanding. By breaking down stigmas we can help all individuals, regardless of gender, feel validated in their experiences and empowered to seek the help they need. This needs to happen so we can begin to build a more inclusive society that recognises the complexities of autism in all its forms.
Ultimately, the goal should be to cultivate a culture where everyone, irrespective of their gender or neurodivergent status, feels comfortable discussing their challenges and seeking help. This requires an ongoing commitment to education, empathy, and open dialogue. By doing so, we can work towards a future where the experiences of all autistic individuals are acknowledged, valued, and supported, leading to a greater understanding of neurodiversity and validation in society.
A thought-provoking piece as always, Dez. I’m still ruminating on it all. For me (and my experiences) I link masking to compliance, fear of reprisal and trying to say safe. Basically, doing whatever I can to “pass” (for want of a better word) as NT and/or “normal”. I too have struggled with gender identity – I have always identified as female, but I didn’t fit the conventions of femininity that all the girls around me in school seemed to naturally understand and follow. I think toxic masculinity is destructive to the male psyche as well as to women – particularly, if you’re identified by others as not fitting traditional masculine stereotypes. I’ve been reading about how PDA grows out of compliance trauma and your blog makes me think of that. You mention growing up mixed race in a predominantly white area. As you know, I’m familiar with that area, and (certainly when I lived in the locale) there were significant areas that were not just predominately white, but also proudly racist. Racism instills terror in those it targets. As a child, you have only two real options to attempt to hide and “pass” as best you can or to be open and defiant. Neither option will protect you from abuse and subsequent trauma. I’m from a Southern Irish family and was a young child in Peterborough in the early 70s, not long after the Guildford Bombings. I can remember being spat at in the street (with my mum) and being called all kinds of names. I can also remember being warned not to use any Irish English (a common dialect in my family) outside the home. I’m aware that as a white girl (provided I hid certain traits) I could easily “pass” and avoid the racism, so I’m not comparing my experience to yours.
I think having the intelligence and awareness to recognise you are categorised as somehow other or different as a child, causes so much trauma. As does any attempt to hide or suppress who you are. I hope what I’m writing is making sense. I think women are taught about their vulnerability and the risk to their safety (and told it’s their duty to protect themselves and hide away too) from such a young age. That’s before you factor in any ND. As you say, gender doesn’t make you automatically safer if you are male as you may not present in the ways that society (or the groups that surround you) approve of and then you’re also at risk. It’s so difficult to unpick one’s trauma and identity the individual roots. I’ve gone off track here, because I haven’t commented on the high suicide rates among men – not to mention the high rates of mental health issues, substance abuse issues and risks of being criminalised. Men are undoubtedly failed by so many parts of our existing institutions (education, for example) and media portrayals. The powers that be (by which I mean the money owners etc) have no interest in supporting a content and unified society – fragmenting our identities (whether that be our neurological identity, our racial one, our gender one, our sexual one, our political one, or any other one as we are all multiple identities) and pitting us against each other serves them well. Kindness, respect, recognition of past battles and injuries (intergenerational trauma and genocidal trauma are very real), being listened to and being heard, creating art and raising profiles, nurturing each other when society doesn’t (and sometimes biological family don’t) and never-giving up on the belief you deserve better and the hope it may come. I think there is a current focus on raising awareness about autism in females however, I feel that is an attempt to correct years of misinformation that autism was predominately a male thing. It isn’t. I personally don’t like the binary definitions of traditional masculine autism or more feminine autism, there is far greater nuance than that. So many are overlooked, excluded and victimised when we operate any binary system. I’m typing on my iPhone so I can’t look back at my ramble of thoughts to see what I’ve said. I hope there’s something vaguely coherent and that it reads as supportive – that is my intention. All power to you, Dez and to all in need of support and recognition 🙌🏻
To follow on, from my previous comment, I don’t think women mask more than men or are necessarily more successful at doing so. I think there’s not enough nuance in those options as gender has a significant, but so do other aspects of our identities. The environments we grew up in (how supportive and accepting they were) also play a role in how much someone felt the need to mask. That is also exclusionary because some autists may not have the ability to mask. It’s a hugely complex subject but I tend to view my autism in terms of its external traits (I mask successfully so would “pass” for many) and internal traits (they destroy me and I’m regularly overwhelmed) but that is not necessarily witnessed by others. I think in those terms rather than high-functioning or not. I dislike the term high-functioning for many reasons but the main two are it diminishes the hidden issues that autists can have and feeds into an often-expressed opinion (even from so-called friends) that “you just need to have more confidence in your own abilities” and (more bluntly) “you’re not autistic”. The second reason is the use of high means there are those who will be labelled low-functioning and low has never been a term used to denote worthiness or promote self-esteem. If someone’s struggles are more visible, it does not mean they have no capabilities and if they are less visible, it does not mean they have no struggles. I think either high or low functioning can be terms used to diminish us and dismiss our concerns. Your blogs help raise the questions we should all be considering and continuing to explore. We are all still learning about autism – I know the only autism I profess to have any expertise in is my own…and I’m still learning about that! Incredibly saddened to hear of your suicidal history, all too common in the ND community. I have my own experiences with suicidal ideation and it has often been a battle. As you say, there is no suitable support or even recognition of the complex trauma late diagnosed ND people are expected to deal with. My local NHS health trust can offer me nothing. I have managed to find an autistic aware counsellor that I pay for, I appreciate them greatly, but even they are limited in what they can offer. The sad truth is that many ND people have to be not only their own diagnostic specialist but also their therapist and counsellor. Is it any wonder we struggle? Nothing but respect for you, your work and your journey, Dez. Thanks for all you do for the ND community 🙏
This is a very difficult subject. I can only answer from my perspective. My own masking has been incredibly difficult, as a woman, I feel I am expected to be talkative and always engaging in conversations.
I believe in our society it is more acceptable for men to talk less in social situations. I do think men aren’t allowed to been seen as vulnerable by society, making it impossible for them to say how they are feeling or infact even allow themselves to feel what they are feeling, making life difficult and for some going on to have a death by suicide.
I would like to see it equal for both sexes, all people. I think there is a long way to go.
My expartner was self harming and still to this day feels he is unable to recognise within himself that he is neurodivergent, so great are societal pressures.
I really hope in the future that things change. We all desparately need change to happen. I believe it is difficult on all levels, for both men and women in varying degrees af difficulties. I do agree that men, because of inherited societal norms find this slightly more difficult than women. This subject is massive.