All I know is fear..

As someone who was diagnosed with autism at the age of 41, I can reflect on a lifetime of confusion and struggle. Until my diagnosis, I didn’t understand what I was going through and I just put my challenges to the trauma through the racism I faced, which led to feelings of self-hatred and a deep discomfort with my own skin. In hindsight, I can’t help but wonder if an earlier diagnosis would have changed my path for the better – however, I do think that the stigma and lack of understanding surrounding autism at that time would have made things worse. The reality is that many in society still don’t grasp the concept of autistic masking, which I still rely on as a survival tool to navigate a neurotypical world.

This masking leaves me exhausted and misunderstood, and even when I speak clearly about it, the majority of the time it falls on deaf ears. I struggle with the complexities of autism every day, and the absence of inclusive services and support only amplifies these challenges. I keep saying how vital it is  for society to adapt its understanding of autism, and implement educational initiatives that promote awareness of both neurodivergent conditions and the unique struggles faced by individuals like me. With many people experiencing significant levels of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) due to late diagnoses and societal ignorance, we desperately need to highlight the impact of systemic issues like racism as well.

This is one of the rare times i have spoken about how racism has affected my neurodivergent experience, but it does weigh heavily on me. I consider myself lucky to be alive, as I struggle with suicidal ideation, and the level of trauma I’ve experienced has manifested in more severe ways as I’ve gotten older – masking it has definitely got a lot harder. The misconceptions and stigmas I faced in childhood have not faded – in fact, I would say they have intensified in adulthood. If we don’t advocate for early identification and appropriate support, this mental health crisis for individuals like myself will only continue to get worse.

We desperately need change..