I created this piece after reading a post by Russell Lehmann – Trainer, Speaker, and Author for autism, mental health, disabilities, and International Disability Rights Advocate at UCLA. 

I found it deeply moving and related to it in so many ways. I couldn’t stop thinking about it to the point of overwhelm. I decided to create a piece of art on it.

Im tired of being Autistic

It’s not so much autism, but rather being autistic in a world not made for those like me, that does me in. 

The pervasive and existential loneliness, the severe OCD, depression, and anxiety that are common dual-diagnoses of autism, constantly having to remind people I have a disability, the infantilization of autism and getting treated like a child.

The incredibly rigid functioning mechanisms that chain me to my routine like a prisoner, the self imposed restrictions on what I can eat, the time of day I can and can’t workout, as well as the unrelenting need to control every detail of my existence, lest the world around me feel chaotic and unbearable.

I’m tired of the constant self-advocacy it takes to navigate a society that misunderstands, dismisses, or outright ignores my needs. I’m tired of being the one who has to explain, educate, and endure. It’s exhausting to always be the “teacher,” to carry the weight of representation, to battle stigma with grace when all I want to do is scream.

I’m tired of the paradox of visibility: being simultaneously invisible when my needs go unnoticed and hyper-visible when my differences are on display. The world either forgets I exist or treats me like a novelty, a spectacle to watch, not a person to be understood.

I’m tired of the sensory overwhelm, of the way everyday noises or lights feel like attacks on my nervous system. I’m tired of the social games I don’t understand, of feeling like an alien trying to decode a foreign language in every interaction.

I’m tired of pretending. Pretending I’m okay when I’m drowning inside, pretending I’m strong when I’m breaking, pretending I belong in a world that feels so far removed from the one I wish for.

But most of all, I’m tired of being tired. Because even when I rest, the battle doesn’t end. It’s inside me, it is me, and no amount of sleep or self-care can erase the reality of living in a world that wasn’t built with me in mind.

Autism isn’t the problem, being autistic is the problem. Being autistic in a world that refuses to make room for us; our brilliance, our struggles, our humanity. And that is a weight no one should have to carry alone.