Born in 79’. Diagnosed late at 41. Autistic and ADHD. Person of colour. Manchester. “Ain’t no black in the Union Jack” Racism sits in my bones.
I struggled to adapt as a child, soft, scared, introverted and weak. I hated the colour of my skin. Even scratching my face off photos of myself. I learned to mask as a teen. Hip-Hop, Snoop, Tupac, then DMX. Mimic their persona. They gave me strength, they gave me character. I was still on high alert, scared, and always aware. But the mask protected me. It gave me the skills to survive.
But behind the mask, what is left? Is there anything left? You wear the mask so long it becomes you! What part is the persona, and what is me? But you can only fight so long – when the world itself is the trauma!
How do I unmask if masking and fear are all I’ve ever known? Isn’t that just me? If I peel back the layers I built to survive, what’s left, who’s left? If I stripped it all back, am I nothing? The trauma is well and truly set. How will I cope? The world I fought to fit in hasn’t changed. What does unmasking mean?
The character I should have been never had a chance. The neurotypical society killed that person before I left the womb.
Art is my new mask. A mixed-up mess of trauma and the leftovers of what could have been? What could have been? The fight is still there, but how much has society drained from my spirit? How much can I continue to battle? Now I duel with honesty and truth in a society that seems to favour none, yet frowned upon as if I was still playing the survival character I created to ‘fit in’ – dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t!
The only truth I have now is my own, and that’s one thing that not many can live with or even face. Although I’m still scared, the truth brings my soul peace I haven’t experienced before. This new mask is called Loveartpix. It is the one that I have settled on, and it’s a good mask!
Excellent writing. I am proud to call you my friend.
I love the name of your mask, and even more, I believe you, the person who wears the mask, are a strong, passionate, caring and loving human ❤️.
LoveArtPix and I collaborated on a work earlier this year entitled Behind the Mask which explores this very subject. Masking is a common experience for many autistic people, however whilst a naysayer will claim that everyone masks (which they do to varying degrees) it is usually used to gain some advantage or leverage in a social or work situation, whereas for an autistic person, as LoveArtPix explains, it is essentially a means to survive in this world. It is a means to deflect negative comments, bullying and ostracisation. If you now consider all this within the context of being black it takes on an even more insidious dimension. It is something I can only comment on and have a limited understanding of from having read the first-hand experiences of black autistic people on social media. Historical evidences both here and in the USA demonstrate that black autistic people are often unalived because of erroneously perceived intentions of behaviour and for a black person failing to mask can tragically be a life or death experience.
We love your mask! Our dear friend.❤️❤️
Loveartpix is an amazing ‘art mask’ and one that is making a considerable difference out in the world to so many people. Proud to be collaborating with you. Keep being you and fighting the fight; the world needs to hear your story.